Heartbroken And Helpless

Why couldn’t it have happened to my second girl?  She is amazingly social, loves everyone she meets and makes friends in moments. Why, oh why God did it have to happen to my eldest? (Who shall be referred to as Miss Pants)

New school for Miss Pants this year which to a 9-year-old is like a whole new world. What you need to understand is that she choses her friends carefully, and only keeps a few select close. This is mostly because despite her very best efforts to appear strong and confident (overly so at times), she is actually very sensitive and anxious. She has three close friends and if you ask her, she is happy and that is all the friends she needs.

There were three things she held onto as summer passed. That one of her close friends who is in her grade would be in her class, that if she was placed in a split it meant her second close friend could maybe be in with her as she is a year older, and that a neighbour who is familiar and is an expected teacher in her grade, would be hers.  But none of those things came to pass.

This morning she waited anxiously to find out and she discovered that the one close friend her age was not placed in her class. In addition she had been placed in a split, with her being the younger grade, but her older friend was not placed in her class. Finally the teacher she knew would not be hers. Nothing. Not one known for her to hold onto. Insert her heart breaking here….

Why couldn’t it have been my second child? She would have said ‘oh well!’ and moved on to see what this adventure would bring. But that is not the heart of Miss Pants.

My husband was there, I was not. It doesn’t matter though, I can see the expression on her face – I know it well. It says “I know I need to be brave, I know it will be alright, but right now, in this moment, my heart is a little broken”.  He said she fought back the tears….and so did I.

Even now as I sit here typing I am still holding back my own tears. I feel torn that I should have gone with her instead of going with her younger siblings to their school, but know that her father is more than capable of handling this situation and he loves her just as much as I do. I just want to drive over there and pull her out and bring her home to keep her safe – however I know that is not the solution.

I sit here asking God how I explain when she comes home that there is a plan in this and it will all be okay, when I am uncertain of that in this moment.

No one explained that parenting would break me like this. Leave me feeling helpless and heartbroken at watching my children hurting. No one explained the crippling humility that comes when you realize there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things. All you can do is walk with them through the sorrow.

And so, as always do when I do not understand God I will trust Him. I will lean on him and allow myself to be comforted in Him. Amazing isn’t it that having God, and all He offers us doesn’t eliminate the pain from our lives, just allows us strength to make it through.

As I share this a friend has just messaged me to let me know her daughter is in Miss Pants class and listed a few other familiar faces. It will not make things okay for her, but it may make it easier, and so for that I am grateful.

Maybe it will be alright and she will figure it out and have an amazing year (that’s what everyone says). However, there is a very real possibility she will have a difficult year, and a very lonely year. I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is that God is working in her through every moment, and I need to do my best to help her without getting in His way.

Courage to all the parents who are trying to navigate a similar path. Who in the end just do not know what to do. God is with us all and for all our sakes I pray the following scripture:

“Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow.” Psalm 25:4 (NLT)

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